Mr. Bernie.com : Cleanup on Aisle Seven

Section: Cleanup on Aisle Seven            Authors: Daniel, Cheeseypieman, Bingo Bob     Date: May 02, 2006

 

  • Mario Power Tennis

 

Tim - Cheeseypieman
Herman - Daniel
Dr. Xelogo - Bingo Bob

   

Herman: Tennis. Why would a plumber play tennis?

Tim: Why would a TURTLE DEMON FREAK play tennis?

Herman: You mean Bowser? He's just misunderstood.

Tim: That's true. Society is so unforgiving.

Herman: You kidnap Princess Peach like 3 times, and suddenly you're the badguy.

Herman: How come you never got a barrel jetpack in any of the real Donkey Kong games, and like, doesnt that give you a hugely unfair advantage in tennis?

Tim: Quite so. I wonder if they knew that while they were designing the game.

Herman: On a similar topic, how do the ghosts hit the ball? They're ethereal..

Tim: That's a big word. Ethereal. What does it mean?

Herman: Um. You know. Ethereal. Ethereal this, ethereal that. You know.

Tim: You don't know, do you?

Herman: If Yoshi's a guy, why does he lay eggs sometimes?

Herman: I'm glad that game says "Only For Nintendo Gamecube", so there's no risk of ever seeing a REAL gamer playing it.

Tim: You know it's going to be a complex game when the recommended age is 3+

Herman: How far downhill has Nintendo gone when they give their official seal of approval to this? Honestly, that has become about as valuable as a 1905 quarter.

Tim: Uh, that's actually pretty valuable.

Herman: ... I'm never trusting that pawn shop owner again.

Tim: Herman, what did you do?

Herman: Remember that quarter you had in that glass case? Remember how I needed to buy a...

Tim: No. No you DIDN'T.

Herman: And I think we're done with this product.


FOLLOW-UP BY DR. XELOGO AND HERMAN:

[Tim has left the room]
[Dr. Xelogo has entered the room]

Dr. Xelogo: Hey, vhat ees thees?

Herman: Just the latest Nintendo disaster that will undoubtedly be both the worst game ever to be created, and also the best-selling game ever created, simply due to the word "Mario" being printed clearly no the package.

Dr. Xelogo: Let me see that... vait a second... Mario POWER Tennis?

Herman: Yes. What'd YOU think it was? Just regular tennis? Ha. I laugh in your direction.

Dr. Xelogo: Vell, no, but vhat's so POWERful about... Tennis?

Herman: Well, you could pull a hammy maybe. And Bowser's racket has spikes. That might cause a slight scrape.

Herman: Did you notice how none of their shoes have anything on the bottom? No wonder they're jumping all over the place, it must be impossible to get any traction.

Dr. Xelogo: You're right! I can see eet now... Mario runs for the ball, and stops... or, tries to, at least... and slides... and slides... and hit's the wall. No vonder Bowser alvays manages to capture Princess Peach!

Herman: Speaking of that, what's he trying to accomplish anyway? I mean, he just takes her and kinna makes her stand there. He doesn't ask for ransom or anything... Does he just like.. Have nothing to do?

Dr. Xelogo: Also, vhy does he have a button to drop the bridge he's on into zee lava? If he must have that, why not vait for Mario to get on the bridge, and THEN push the button?

Herman: What did Mario ever do to him? Maybe he did some bad plumbing... That would explain why you never see him do any plumbing, too; maybe he's incompetent and Bowser actually just wants a refund.

Dr. Xelogo: Yes... yes... vell, back on topic. Vhy does Bowser have spikes on his racket? In the best case scenario, that vould slow him down. In the vorse case scenario... he stabs himself and dies. Vhere is there possibly an advantage in that?

Herman: Good point. Why is Mario jumping to hit the tennis ball when not only is it clearly out of bounds, but the net is the OTHER WAY?

Dr. Xelogo: It's obviously because his hat came off. He stores his brain in his hat.

Herman: ... Maybe like he has different brains. Like how when Yoshi eats the blue shells, he can fly, maybe if Mario wears certain brains he can actually have the competence of an average-intelligence infant.

Dr. Xelogo: You have a point there. Say, vhy are there three characters on the same side? Shouldn't it only be two?

Herman: And I thought Bowser was Mario's enemy. Why would he choose to be on the same team?

Herman: As though the brightly colored box and 3+ age sticker weren't enough to inform us that this product is child-friendly, it even says "PAL" in plain white letters beside the Nintendo logo. Actually, that's probably the ONLY font on the entire box that isn't especially POWERful in its own way. And with that, I think it's time we closed the case on Mario POWER Tennis

Dr. Xelogo: I agree. Ve vill see you next time on... on... uh... never mind!

Herman: And... cut.
 

 


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