Mr. Bernie.com : World News


Section: World News Author: Matt Date: December 20, 2005

 

  • Santa Goes on Murderous Rampage Across the Planet!

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 Santa.

... leaving millions shocked after he was found guilty of 1st degree murder of all his reindeer after a drunken rampage. We have an elf live from a refugee camp just outside of the north pole, go ahead.
"It was a depressing time. Santa held us hostage and made us watch him slaughter all of his reindeer."

While trying to apprehend this villain, two of our valuable co-elves were lost after a massive fire of ornaments at the end of one of the largest firefights of the century.


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Our sympathies go out to the families of Mr. Jingles and Fred the mail elf.


Fortunately, we now have this dangerous criminal in custody, and we are now receiving a feed from his cell, one moment. "I'll kill you all! I'm SANTA!!! I SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING!!!  I KNOW IF YOU'RE AWAKE!"


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Not Santa.


                                                      

One moment.. What's happening? Oh dear. It appears that Santa has escaped..

THIS IS A WORLD NEWS BULLETIN! A DERANGED SANTA IS ON THE LOOSE. EVERYONE NEEDS TO TAKE THIS TIME TO RUN IN CIRCLES SCREAMING. Back to you in Los Angeles, Tom.

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Tom? Tom? Hello? Er... Oh dear.  Well, at least I'm a shoe-in for Reporter of the Year now.

*BEEP* PLEASE STANDBY...

And we're back with the World News. As you may know, we are all in danger of horrible deaths! However, it is best if remain calm. One moment, there seems to be someone at the door. WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! I GOTTA WIFE AND KID TO GO HOME TO, PLEASE HAVE MERCY!!! AAAA, MY FACE!!!

Everyone remember to stay indoors and stay hidden, because Santa Claus is coming to town! For your hides.
Wait... This just in, Santa has been spotted buying medication for a headache... The evil Kringle has been captured! After tripping off the sidewalk and being struck by a cab... and a bus... and crashed on by a plane... and thrown up on by a dog.. The deranged murderer was taken into custody, and hopefully after he sobers up (and gets rid of a mild concussion), we will all be safe again. That's it for this edition of World News, and hopefully that's the end of Santa's Rampage... OR IS IT?!

...

It is.


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