Mr. Bernie.com : World News


Section: World News            Author: Psycho, Daniel           Date: August 28, 2006

 

  • The News At Large, Parts I-IV

[News theme song plays, and News comes on]



What's been going on in the world at large lately, Tom?
 


Well, Sally, Box-Man has returned! In a recent attack, Canada lost over two thousand tons of muffins!
 


That is so tragic.
 


He was last sighted ordering KFC at a Harvey's. Call authorities immediately if you spot him. Now for sports, with Alfonse.
 


Thanks, Tom. Last night in International Monopoly, Mexico once again triumphed, making them so far undefeated in this season! Also, in International Sack Racing, Russia and America had a close two millimeter difference, but America pulled, or jumped, forward.

Thanks, Alfonse. Now for the weather with my mom.
 


Thanks, Tom. Go to bed. Tomorrow, we are scheduled to have it rain frogs in America, but toads in Canada. Spooky! Also, violent silly putty storms in Europe.



That's all for tonight, keep tuning in to stay up to date!

------

*theme music starts and the news comes in*

It's the 9:00 news with Sally and Tom, the award-winning anchors!
 


Well, Tom, it's a big day for the news, but first, Alfonse with sports.
 


I tell you what, it's a crazy year for football, I tell ya, I tell ya, we got guys going end zone, going whoa passing catches, we got the quarterback for the Rams, whoa, what's with that guy, you know what I'm saying? And don't even get me started on baseball!
 


Okay, I won't. Now Joe with the weather.
 


It's been a lovely week so far, but we can expect some light rain over the next couple of days, coupled with a nuclear holocaust later this week. Back to you, Sally.
 


Thanks, Joe. Today's top story, packages containing a rare flesh-eating viruses were sent to all the major news stations in town, in a horrible terrorist attack. Wait one moment, I've just received a package.
 


Oh, open it! Open it! I wanna see what's inside!
 


Okay, ok-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA



-Please Stand By-

-------


Hello, I'm your newest anchorman, James!
 


And I'm the first ever anchorwoman to be named Ursula!
 


Today, there was a mass massacre of ants when someone took a can of bug spray, stirred an ant hill up, and wreaked their terror.
 


Distressing.
 


Very. Now, let's go to Wizzy with the weather!
 


THANKS JAMES!!!!! TOMORROW, THERE WILL BE AN EARTHQUAKE, A HURRICANE, A VOLCANIC ERUPTION, ACID RAIN, AND AN INVASION OF MIDGET PIRATES! THIS WILL ALL OCCUR IN DOWNTOWN NEW YORK, NEW YORK!!!
 


Hehe, that's our Wizzy. What now, Ursela?
 


Here's Dominic with the sports.



Hey, yall! What about that baseball ,eh? I don't know squat about it! Same with basketball, football, soccer, hockey, you name it! I don't watch sports at all! I just pretend to know what I'm talking about!!



Great....



That's all for today folks. And remember, keep tuning in every day at 6.00, it WILL get better!

--------

Early Morning News



It's 6.00 am. I haven't had my coffee and I couldn't sleep last night because I have insomnia. Here's James and whatshername with your stupid news. You can all go stick the news right up your-
 


James-Shut up, announcer, I'm the news guy!!! Hello, this is James. I haven't had my coffee either and I'm' not a freakin' morning person. Whoever is watching this lacks sanity. Here's whatshername.

Ursula-HI THERE! I'm Ursela, and I drank WAY too much caffeine! I'm even more hyped up then Wizzy the Weather Guy today!!!

You're an ugly worthless piece of crap, Ursula.

[Ursula begins to strangle James, theme music plays and Weather Guy Wizzy is on stage]
 


I have a-a-a-AH-CHOO! A cold. The weather is cold. It's even colder the farther you put your finger up the map, until you reach the mysterious, frozen, unexplored wasteland known as Canada. The farther you put your finger down the map, it gets warmer. Figure it out.


Here's that stupid jerk Dominic with sports.


zzzzzzz


Back to James, if you even care about that loser.


*gasps for breath* Well...I killed Ursula. So sue me. Put me in jail. I don't care. Just gimme some friggin' coffee and vitamin pills and a soft bed. This is Channel I-forget-what News. Don't watch again, we suck. So do you. And your nationality, whatever it is. Leave me alone.

[Fuzziness fills the screen, followed by a technical difficulties message]

[fin]

 
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