[News
theme song plays, and News comes on]
What's been going on in the world at large
lately, Tom?
Well, Sally, Box-Man has returned! In a
recent attack, Canada lost over two thousand
tons of muffins!
That is so tragic.
He was last sighted ordering KFC at a
Harvey's. Call authorities immediately if
you spot him. Now for sports, with Alfonse.
Thanks, Tom. Last night in International
Monopoly, Mexico once again triumphed,
making them so far undefeated in this
season! Also, in International Sack Racing,
Russia and America had a close two
millimeter difference, but America pulled,
or jumped, forward.
Thanks, Alfonse. Now for the weather with my
mom.
Thanks, Tom. Go to bed. Tomorrow, we are
scheduled to have it rain frogs in America,
but toads in Canada. Spooky! Also, violent
silly putty storms in Europe.
That's all for tonight, keep tuning in to
stay up to date!
------
*theme
music starts and the news comes in*
It's the 9:00 news with Sally and Tom,
the award-winning anchors!
Well, Tom, it's a big day for the news, but
first, Alfonse with sports.
I tell you what, it's a crazy year for
football, I tell ya, I tell ya, we got guys
going end zone, going whoa passing catches,
we got the quarterback for the Rams, whoa,
what's with that guy, you know what I'm
saying? And don't even get me started on
baseball!
Okay, I won't. Now Joe with the weather.
It's been a lovely week so far, but we can
expect some light rain over the next couple
of days, coupled with a nuclear holocaust
later this week. Back to you, Sally.
Thanks, Joe. Today's top story, packages
containing a rare flesh-eating viruses were
sent to all the major news stations in town,
in a horrible terrorist attack. Wait one
moment, I've just received a package.
Oh, open it! Open it! I wanna see what's
inside!
Okay,
ok-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-Please Stand By-
-------
Hello, I'm your newest anchorman, James!
And I'm the first ever anchorwoman to be
named Ursula!
Today, there was a mass massacre of ants
when someone took a can of bug spray,
stirred an ant hill up, and wreaked their
terror.
Distressing.
Very. Now, let's go to Wizzy with the
weather!
THANKS JAMES!!!!! TOMORROW, THERE WILL BE AN
EARTHQUAKE, A HURRICANE, A VOLCANIC
ERUPTION, ACID RAIN, AND AN INVASION OF
MIDGET PIRATES! THIS WILL ALL OCCUR IN
DOWNTOWN NEW YORK, NEW YORK!!!
Hehe, that's our Wizzy. What now, Ursela?
Here's Dominic with the sports.
Hey, yall! What about that baseball ,eh? I
don't know squat about it! Same with
basketball, football, soccer, hockey, you
name it! I don't watch sports at all! I just
pretend to know what I'm talking about!!
Great....
That's all for today folks. And remember,
keep tuning in every day at 6.00, it WILL
get better!
--------
Early
Morning News
It's 6.00 am. I haven't had my coffee and I
couldn't sleep last night because I have
insomnia. Here's James and whatshername with
your stupid news. You can all go stick the
news right up your-
James-Shut up, announcer, I'm the news
guy!!! Hello, this is James. I haven't had
my coffee either and I'm' not a freakin'
morning person. Whoever is watching this
lacks sanity. Here's whatshername.
Ursula-HI THERE! I'm Ursela, and I drank WAY
too much caffeine! I'm even more hyped up
then Wizzy the Weather Guy today!!!
You're an ugly worthless piece of crap,
Ursula.
[Ursula begins to strangle James, theme
music plays and Weather Guy Wizzy is on
stage]
I have a-a-a-AH-CHOO! A cold. The weather is
cold. It's even colder the farther you put
your finger up the map, until you reach the
mysterious, frozen, unexplored wasteland
known as Canada. The farther you put your
finger down the map, it gets warmer. Figure
it out.
Here's that stupid jerk Dominic with
sports.
zzzzzzz
Back to James, if you even care about that
loser.
*gasps for breath* Well...I killed Ursula.
So sue me. Put me in jail. I don't care.
Just gimme some friggin' coffee and vitamin
pills and a soft bed. This is Channel
I-forget-what News. Don't watch again, we
suck. So do you. And your nationality,
whatever it is. Leave me alone.
[Fuzziness fills the screen, followed by a
technical difficulties message]
[fin]